Give Marty a Break Petition:

Just sign it. Sign it and put the damn man out of his misery. In case anyone didn't know, this is Martin Brodeur, the goaltender. The winningest goaltender in NHL history. Notice this says winningest. Not scoring-est. He cannot lead a team through the playoffs. It's rather confusing as to why the team on the ice in front of him believes that it's okay.

Of course this will create a chain reaction that would rival the atomic bomb of Devils fans chirping on twitter or any other rather irritating form of social networking.

"It's not Marty's fault!"

"It's not Marty's fault!"

Good job, you recognize it's not the goalies fault. Here, have a cookie. Now, if the attention is directed to what they are lacking in that statement, it would remold itself to look something like this (which by the way, is less than 160 characters, just saying):

"It's not Marty's fault! Our defense is asleep and our offense is injured, doubleshifted and really, really selfish!"

In fact, it leaves 22 whole characters left! So they could get creative and add something about how Kovalchuk needs to sit his injured ass on the bench and let DeBoer doubleshift someone who has the energy to be double shifted. Possibly better defense? Possibly anyone but that damned Russian?

Regardless, someone needs to get their act together. For God's sake, Wayne Gretzky is in the building. Can anyone smell a repeat of "Mickey Mouse organization?" It's just a damn shame that the goalie getting stomped on is the greatest netminder to set foot on the ice.

Why is the Goalie always French and Nuts?

You know. The stereotype of goalies, especially in movies. French-Canadian, vomits (thanks Glenn Hall), has some ridiculous superstition, some ridiculous habit, and treated like an alien, yet beloved, by all his teammates.  Don't believe me? Let's break down the movies, or, at least 6 of them. There are many, many more. 

Slap shot (1977): Denis Lemieux- The original, as Slap Shot is the best campy hockey movie, shows the most dramatic of the stereotype. Denis Lemieux, along with his ridiculously french name, came equipped with the french canadian accent that no one understood ("The hair is rotten here!") the strange vomiting ("Make me sick my allergies, puke every time, puke!")

Slap shot 2 (2002): Gasmer- As if to give a nod to Denis 30 years prior, Slap Shot's sequel introduced Gasmer, the OCD counterpart to the forlorn team from hell. Everything he does is in twos; eventually leading him to bust back into an occupied bathroom to flush it a second time. Also decked out with the french accent that lead to many, many misunderstandings, Gasmer was probably the least beloved, but also the most wacked out.

Slap shot 3 (2008): Henri- Are we sensing a trend here yet? (Damn you Slap Shot, how could you diss goalies like that?) But I promise you, the stereotype is not just limited to the Slap Shot movies, however shitty the second two were. Anyway, Henri has the french accent. He's kind of quirky, and certainly beloved by his teammates. Although he's not really all that campy, it's probably reason to the genre of kid dome. Regardless, Henri was an irritating stereotype nonetheless. 

The Mighty Ducks Trilogy (1992): Greg Goldberg- One of the few stereotypes I'd be honored to be honed to, Goldberg was the goalie you wanted on your team as a Peewee player. He was certainly beloved, and had one of the most inspirational quotes that I've taken in my life.
"Goldberg! You're supposed to stop the puck, you're the goalie!"
"Does that sound stupid to anyone but me?"
So, I had to put him in the list. It's not a hate-able stereotype, but more of a mold of who you want in your pipes in terms of personality. 

Goon (2011): Marco Belchier- So I just watched the movie today, and other than it being pretty depressingly funny, the goalie was hardly shown. I suppose in a hockey world wrought with fights, a goalie is pretty useless. Maybe it was a metaphor. But maybe it was because there would be goalie riots if another damned freak showed off in between the pipes. He let in more goals than he saved. So, there goes the sieve references for the evening. I have way to many of those jokes.

Chicks with Sticks (or) Hockey Mom (2004): She was a drug dealer. And a druggie. And she was white with a black hair style. And a woman. 'Nuff said. 

Hockey Hugs: An Appreciation

It's come across the attention of many, especially in the times of the playoffs, that hockey fans have become very violent. Which, in retrospect, is rather ridiculous. So, it came time to remind those fans of the good in hockey. And what better way is there to prove goodness than a hug?

Nicklas Lidstrom: What more is there to speculate?

Everything has been said about this man! Every single year, he plays to win the Cup, and often, he wins it! 20 seasons in the NHL and as I'm sure you all know, his legacy, his records, his achievements, are literally unmatched. They're barley unmatched by Bobby Orr, who is the games greatest defenseman. But, I'm sure you all know that.

But, for the sake of pretty things, here are some graphs to show just how ridiculous Nicklas' records and accomplishments are.

 It's pretty miraculous, speaking. But seeing him line up with other D-men, especially since he did what took some of them many seasons, in only 20. Only getting beaten in seasons by Bobby Orr and Denis Potvin.

But, not looking at records, instead looking at the second graph, of Penalty Minutes of all time. Not only does he have nearly a fourth of what Paul Coffey racked up in his 20 some odd NHL seasons, he has nearly halved everyone else's total. So I guess that's what's to expect from one of the classies players in the league. I suspect that he would have won the Lady Bing Trophy if it wasn't for that darned Bastard Pavel Datsyuk.

Just Kidding. Sort of.

Violence in Hockey: Fake or Fake?

Since Slapshot is gracing itself on my television set right now, I figured a commentary and possibly a discussion on hockey's violence would be in store for this evening.

Obviously hockey purists are well known for hating fighting in any way shape or form (much the same conservatives are known for hating abortions, with the same vigor) but is this violence in hockey what we used to see back in the days of the Broad Street Bullies, or, was it ever what we thought it was at all.

First, calling into question the frequent rumors and nay-sayings of sports fighting. As any heavy sports fan knows, especially ones that are ridden with fights (such as hockey obviously is) anywhere from bickering to chirping to actual glove dropping and face beating, are often subjects of the question of reality.

Are hockey fights real?

There are obviously two ways to look at it. One, they are real, and the emotions of players come out on a violent scale or two, they are fake as can be, and the players use logic and their observations to take on a player to get ratings and popularity and a great many stories written about them.

Now, if either of these is a possibility for you, you're not a hockey fan. Or, rather, you don't understand the game. I don't like to be that guy who thinks they know the definition of a hockey fan or whatever, but there is a certainty of common sense that I believe should be applied to, well, anyone with a pulse.

Hockey is a sport of emotion. Its hard to debate that. So its also hard to debunk the theory that hockey fights are red blooded emotion. But they aren't just emotion. Factually speaking, hockey players are also smart, and strategic. Maybe not as much as, say, coaches, but they still have to know their own game. That being said, as well known by anyone in the hockey universe, a fight is a 5 minute major, if it's bad enough, a game misconduct and ejection.

So that leaves the theory that there is a certain strategy to fighting. That said, it's probably a broad one, leaving players open to fight who they want and when they want, within reason.

So no Eberle versus Chara anytime. Unfortunately.