A Typical Shanahan Drama: Courtroom Style

I imagine that situations involving a player and Shanaban with his totalitarian rule are extremely dramatic, much like an episode of Law & Order. I picture a courtroom; dimmed, with that hint of montage and drudgery, with the player cupping his face with both his hands like he was just sentenced to death. Then before Shanny bans them, they're allowed one phone call, and this is how it would go. Just set it to the tune of "Payphone" by Maroon 5 with Wiz's rap in there somewhere:

I'm at an ice rink, trying to call home
All of the hits I made on you
Where have the times gone, Shanny it's all wrong
Where are the fines subject for two?

Grand, I, I know it's hard to remember,
How Broad Street used to be
It's even harder to picture
That Shanny's here next to me

He says it's too late to fix it
but is it too late to try
And in that time that he wasted
All of my press, it burned down

I crossed the blue line
He turned on a dime
Now he's paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it check,
But even my head was up the whole time

I'm in his office, trying to call home
All of the hits I made tonight
Where have the times gone, Shanny it's all wrong
Where are the fines subject for two?

If "Hockey Ever After" did exist,
I would still be checking them like this
All those GM's lies are full of shit
One more stupid game, I'll break my stick

Oh, he turned his back on my pleading
'Cause he forgot that he played
I gave him a speech to remember,
but he just waived it away

You can't expect to give me a fine,
I don't expect you to, fella
I know I've said it before,
But I'm really not John Tortorella

I crossed the blue line
he turned on a dime
Now he's paralyzed
Still stuck in that time
when we Called it check
But even my head was up the whole time

I'm at an ice rink, trying to call home
All of the hits I made on you
Where have the times gone, Shanny it's all wrong
Where are the fines subject for two?

If "Hockey Ever After" did exist,
I would still be checking them like this
All those GM's lies are full of shit
One more stupid game, I'll break my stick

Man, fuck this shit
I'll be out, checking all these bitches
While you're sitting around judging
Why it wasn't you who scored this much,
Made it back from the glass
Now when you see me I'm boarding,
And all those D-men quake

Telling me that I owe you
Or whatever you call it
Fine the contract you bitch
So you never could call it
Don't need a ref's opinion
You can tell that they're blind anyway

Slap, what a shame could have let me go
Had a really good career but missed your last shot
So you could talk about how you're at the top
NHLPA but sad to say it's over for
Yzerman pulled up, GM status open
Shanny like go away, I don't owe you money
so shove it up your asshole

I'm at an ice rink, trying to call home
All of the hits I made on you
Where have the times gone, Shanny it's all wrong
Where are the fines subject for two?

If "Hockey Ever After" did exist,
I would still be checking them like this
All those GM's lies are full of shit
One more stupid game, I'll break my stick

Now I'm in trouble...

Violence in Hockey: Fake or Fake?

Since Slapshot is gracing itself on my television set right now, I figured a commentary and possibly a discussion on hockey's violence would be in store for this evening.

Obviously hockey purists are well known for hating fighting in any way shape or form (much the same conservatives are known for hating abortions, with the same vigor) but is this violence in hockey what we used to see back in the days of the Broad Street Bullies, or, was it ever what we thought it was at all.

First, calling into question the frequent rumors and nay-sayings of sports fighting. As any heavy sports fan knows, especially ones that are ridden with fights (such as hockey obviously is) anywhere from bickering to chirping to actual glove dropping and face beating, are often subjects of the question of reality.

Are hockey fights real?

There are obviously two ways to look at it. One, they are real, and the emotions of players come out on a violent scale or two, they are fake as can be, and the players use logic and their observations to take on a player to get ratings and popularity and a great many stories written about them.

Now, if either of these is a possibility for you, you're not a hockey fan. Or, rather, you don't understand the game. I don't like to be that guy who thinks they know the definition of a hockey fan or whatever, but there is a certainty of common sense that I believe should be applied to, well, anyone with a pulse.

Hockey is a sport of emotion. Its hard to debate that. So its also hard to debunk the theory that hockey fights are red blooded emotion. But they aren't just emotion. Factually speaking, hockey players are also smart, and strategic. Maybe not as much as, say, coaches, but they still have to know their own game. That being said, as well known by anyone in the hockey universe, a fight is a 5 minute major, if it's bad enough, a game misconduct and ejection.

So that leaves the theory that there is a certain strategy to fighting. That said, it's probably a broad one, leaving players open to fight who they want and when they want, within reason.

So no Eberle versus Chara anytime. Unfortunately.