The NHL Draft in a Nutshell

Because Cory Schneider. 

A Hipster Meme: The Acquiescing Announcer

So I made myself a meme. Kind of. I found this picture while dork-ing around on Google, researching the CFL, and I thought this guy looked sarcastic and wonderfully similar to me. So, I present, Acquiescing Announcer. He's a sarcastic butt-hole, just like yours truly. 

The End of an Era: From Green and White

In some shocking news from the NBA, Paul Pierce was included in a trade during the 2013 draft that sent Jason Terry, Kevin Garnett, and Pierce to the Brooklyn Nets for first round picks in 2014, 2016, 2018, Kris Humphries, Gerald Wallace, Kris Joseph, MarShon Brooks, and Keith Bogans, according to ESPN’s Chris Broussard.

Where do the Celtics turn without Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett?
Drew Hallowell/Getty Images

The best part of the deal for the Celtics is the draft picks, no question, as it is well known the Celtics are rebuilding and the picks are essential for this process. Garnett is tough, and helped bring a title to Boston in 2008 as well as shifted the culture back to championship material. However, he was traded from the Minnesota Timberwolves in 2007 so seeing him in another uniform isn't unimaginable. Garnett will be missed, but he's definitely worth the draft picks that will help the process of rebuilding. 

The toughest part of the trade to cope with as a Boston fan is losing one of the greatest Celtics of all time, Paul Pierce.  Pierce is called a “professional scorer” and he did just that all in green and white. Known as “The Truth,” he spent 15 years calling the Garden home, and in that time, he ranked second in Celtics history with 24,021 points, according to ESPN.com. He came up with his clutch gene time and time again when the Celtics needed him by going right and pulling up for a jump shot at the right elbow, and it was amazingly predictable even when every Boston fan in the building knew what he was going to do. He has easily been the best player on the Celtics since Larry Bird's time and was the first Celtic to score 2,000 points in a single season since Bird was in his prime. His legendary duel against LeBron James in Game 7 of the 2008 Eastern Conference Semi-Final at the Garden is something I’ll remember forever as he scored 41 and LeBron scored 45. But Pierce’s team prevailed. Most importantly though, Pierce did what all the great Celtics have done, from Bill Russell, K.C. Jones, to the Original Big Three of Kevin McHale, Robert parish, and Larry Bird, Paul Pierce raised a banner in Beantown.

Pierce brought a banner to Beantown,
as well as put up an obscene number of points
for the boys in green and white.

So the trades are both shocking, pessimistically and optimistically, but offer a new reboot that Boston is in desperate need of. So many young, new faces, and the promise of first round draft picks helps rejuvenate the spirit living in green and white.  

The Double Standard: A Hockey Fan Watches the NBA Draft

Held in Barclay's Center in Brooklyn, New York

So, I'm watching it for the first time. The NBA Draft, one of the biggest attractions next to the All Star game and the Dunk Contest, or something. I actually have no idea. Regardless, I like it so far. It's really aesthetically pleasing. The stage looks really rustic and the graphics on the screen are simple. A Canadian went first overall, and a few picks later a Ukrainian was chosen, so they really wanted hockey fans to feel at home. But, watching Simmons and everyone else discuss the picks, I realized something about the nature of broadcast journalism, and it wasn't a good something.

In any English class from middle school to high school to college teaches students to avoid cliches in their writing. Cliches like, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen." and "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime." or "Out of the frying pan, into the fire." Or maybe the most famous and annoying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And for the most part, authors and students of English listen. Sometimes it's used for irony, but that's no secret to anyone who reads it. 


However, it seems like in sports journalism, there is no irony in the cliche kingdom. 
"He's got a big body and skates well", "They go high to the rim", "This guy is a blue collar guy", "Who will be this year's Ryan Leaf?" and others that are really, really annoying. And, the repetition isn't the worst thing. It's not the obvious insanity of announcers and what they say, it's the fact that most broadcasters are honestly wasting their breath. 


I, and most of NBA fans (or any sport fans) want to know what's actually going on. Telling me Trey Burke "is an aggressive player," and "plays with a chip on his shoulder," and "is there to fill a certain role." I have NO IDEA what any of that means. And I have a sneaking suspicion it doesn't mean anything.


And speaking of cliches, the players are no better. And while I realize that PR plays a huge role in what they can and cannot say, I do not want to hear "I'd like to thank my mom, and the organization, and God. I'll bring my A-game to this team. Thank you." over and over and over again.


And for the most part, written stories and articles stay away from these cliches, it's mostly the doing of broadcast faces. Just, as a reminder from your friendly neighborhood journalist (pun intended) stay away from cliches, and everyone will be happy. 

Analyzing Twitter: The Hipster Taking Full Effect

Since I know everyone and everything that can blog on this planet (Dog with a Blog) is talking about the newly crowned Stanley Cup Champions the Chicago Blackhawks, I don't particularly want to. I mean, I could spend about a page and a half explaining how a few lucky bounces and an expertly lucky play got the Blackhawks those two goals in 17 seconds, and essentially the Cup. I could write three paragraphs on a psychological analysis of Tuukka Rask and how he breaks down and dies a little bit in between goals...obviously. I mean, we all expected a milk crate, right? Or, like a WWE Smackdown match between him and Crawford in the handshake line?

Regardless, the shortened 2012-2013 NHL season is done, and now in the off-season the fan masses will be bored to tears with various stories and articles about nothing in particular. So I figured why not kick it off early?

So while I was busy being a bored part of the fan mass, I browsed Twitter all day before work, and came across some curious findings, and I thought I'd share to entertain.

First and foremost, the Philadelphia Flyers. Not the actual @NHLFlyers, but the various twitter accounts related to it.

#1: Zac Rinaldo, Left Winger for the Flyers and apparently also named Kanye West. Maybe his middle name is North....

#2: Ilya Bryzgalov, infamous goalie and critic of the media. 

Why you heff to be mad? Well, Bryz doesn't even have himself in a Flyers jersey. Like an angry child not talking to their parents to prove a point. So obviously, you heff to be mad. 

#3: Bernie Parent, motivational speaker extraordinaire, and the best goalie the Flyers ever had. He's pretty great, follow him. 

 But the cool thing is who he follows. Just look at this list: 
I mean, look at this. Tebow! He follows Tim Tebow and Kim Kardashian! Like, why? Doesn't matter. It just made him cooler.

Now, moving away from the Flyers. They may be the teenage girls of the NHL, but no need to pick on them. These next two were recommended to me by my wonderful editor, who thinks that finding funny things on twitter is his job. Regardless, these are worth the follow:

#4: Condescending Torts, a hilarious parody account of John Tortorella. His name changes every once in a while, now Riot Maker Torts. Subtly suggesting the rioting that will happen in Vancouver on his recent hire there.

#5: Chara's Ego, another hilarious parody account to follow the Big Guy through the Playoffs. Most notably extremely cocky and now a Red Sox fan. Easy follow for any Boston fan. 

Well, so there ya go folks. Just make sure to not be too bored this off-season. Take up another sport, like... well, I guess all that's left is baseball. Ah, just give it a shot. It can be like hockey too. You know, really... I honestly don't even have a comparison. Just leave it on in the background while you play NHL 13 and sob. 

A Show Of What's To Come

Just so you all know, I very rightly enjoy cartooning. Sometimes I think it gets my point across more acutely than words will, and more quickly at that. So, as of today, I'll be uploading my little doodles to be a sarcastic butt-hole while the professional world of sports rambles on. If it ever ends, I'll be out of a job and a life. And here is my proof. 

The NFL-- my favorite thing is the hatred of Eli Manning from Tom Brady. 

Bill Belichick is Satan. No one will convince me otherwise. Oh, and rainbows.

My Significant other and I. He's a Boston boy, and I rightfully hate him for it. And angry Chara is funny.

My two favorite Podcasters, Marek and Wyshynski. They are my inspiration. 

What is my life? Angry Kari Lehtonen. 

The Original Six Showdown, 34 Years Overdue

NHL Shop

I can already see the merchandise flowing from the NHL Shop; Original Six Tees for all genders and sizes, all costing $39.99. The LA Kings and Pittsburgh Penguins Champion shirts are on their way to Africa, and Boston and Chicago flags will be waving freely in the breeze as a promise for oncoming war. Us lesser fans will make a choice, support the opponent of our rival, or support the Conference with pride. (I'll be backing up Boston for my significant other, and for the Eastern Conference support).

But let's get down to business here, other than the ridiculous statistics that are going to mob our ears about the Original Six, we have an opportunity here that probably won't happen again any time soon. Especially because after the proposed realignment there will only be one of the Original Six left in the Western Conference, but that's an entirely different complaint.

Three Star Patrick Kane celebrates his Hat Trick against LA, Getty Images

Both teams play smart, strategic hockey. The Bruins are as physical as the Blackhawks are fast and cunning. For once, a parallel can be drawn from their monikers; the Bruins will be strong and steady with defense prevailing, and the Hawks will be fast and on the attack. After Hattrick Kane's three goals against LA in game 5, there is no question that the Blackhawks will be on the offensive, and with the Bruins once again as the underdogs, the offense will be as deadly as it was against LA, especially with the Hawks on a roll.

However, the Bruins are led by stellar goaltending and defense. Tuukka Rask is on a roll with a .943 save percentage, and 1.75 goals against average in the post season. Zdeno Chara isn't afraid to block shots or take on Sidney Crosby and his big mouth. Regardless of Boston's less than playoff impressive offense, their defense and goaltending should keep them in good standing against the Blackhawks.

Rask's performance is keeping Boston in the games, Getty Images

Vegas has Chicago as the victors by a large margin. However, Boston has more than enough power to take down the number 1 Western Conference seed. Regardless, the series will be an interesting one, and will definitely take it's place as one of the most memorable Stanley Cup Finals in recent history.

Digging Out From The Underground

Here is my new attempt to be popular. It's a facebook page, and will be updated every day with polls and the Question of the Day.